Comedian Stephen Wright

Sleep

I woke up this morning, and my friend said, `Did you sleep well?' `No, I made a few mistakes.'
I bought a self-learning record in Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep, but the record kept skipping. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, cause that means it'll be up all night.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.
I remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, `Stephen, time to go to sleep.' I said, `But I don't know how.' She said, `It's real easy. You just go down to the end of tired, and take a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I took a right. There was my mother, saying,`I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

Girls

My dentist is really cute. Every time I go there, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes, she has to cancel the rest of the day's appointments.
I went up to a girl in a bar and said, `So, do you live around here often?'
I sat down in a bar right next to this really pretty girl. She looked at me and said, `Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said, `Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'
My girlfriend does her nails with Whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over and write misspelled words on them.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes, and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I went on a picnic with my girlfriend. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

Dogs

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I don't like dogs. I keep getting mustard on my catching glove.
I had a dog, and I named him Stay. He got really confused sometimes. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! Stay, come here!" So now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typin'.
I gave my dog contact lenses. They had little pictures of cats painted on them. Then I took one of them out and he ran around in circles.

Art

Last year, I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to the museum where they have all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten on Fire...
In my wallet, I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in a car. The other is of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Airplanes

I used to be a parking attendant at Logan airport. I parked jets. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. One day I was at the top of an 80-foot stepladder trying to get in with a coat-hanger.
My uncle's an airline pilot. It kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though.
I got off the airplane, but I forgot to take off my seatbelt. So I'm dragging the plane all through the terminal...
I stopped at a store in the airport, and asked if they had any maps that weren't aerial views.

Mimes

I was once an interpreter for bad mimes.
When mimes listen to music, are the tapes blank?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you to use a silencer?
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and it hits a mime does anyone care?

Driving

I was told that 90% of the accidents I would get in would occur within 1 mile of my house. So I moved.
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
We passed a sign that said 'Rest Area 20 miles.' I said, `That's pretty big. People must get really tired around here.'
One day, me and a friend were going 105 miles an hour in a 35 mile an hour zone. We had the cruise control on, and we were both in the back seat. A cop pulled us over, but he didn't know who to arrest, cause neither of us were driving. So I get up on the witness stand, well, you know the rest...
I started playing the harmonica, except I don't blow it. I just drive real fast and hold the harmonica out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the old one out. Now I can go 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
A cop stopped me, and said `You were going 70 miles an hour! The speed limit is only 55 miles per hour!' I said, `I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long.
A cop stopped me the other day, and said, `You were going 100 miles an hour! Why were you going so fast?' I said, `Well, see this thing my foot is on? I push that down, and it makes more gas go to the carburetor. That makes the engine run faster. And see this circle thing here? That lets me steer it.' He started crying.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. It's not very different, except I have to leave the driveway at 60 miles an hour.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
So I'm driving home, and I pass a guy hitchhiking, so I decide to go back and pick him up. But first, I put in a tape of that noise trucks make when they go backwards. I have a bootleg copy of that. So I get back to him and say, `Where are you going?' He said, `Oh, I love this album.'
We're driving down the road, and I asked him what he did. He said he was a student. I asked him what his major was, and he said journalism. `Really,' I said. `As a matter of fact, I'm working on a short story right now. It's about a photographer who goes insane trying to get a close-up photograph of the horizon.
After a while, he asked me `Have you ever fallen asleep driving?' I said, `No, but I've woken up driving.'
I asked him `If I get tired, can you drive for a while?' He said, `No, I can't drive an automatic.'
I ran a stop sign, and a cop stopped me. He said `Didn't you see that stop sign?' I said, `Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.'
We come up to this bus. It's stopped on a train track, with the Vienna Boys Choir inside, and there's a train coming. Train. Bus. Train. Bus. Train. Oh no! Can't you feel the tension?
You know how they do that in the movies? You see the train, the bus, the train, the bus, Have you ever noticed, when someone gets a letter in a movie, you hear the voice of the person who wrote it? That happens to me, except with menus.
Anyway, we see the bus, with the Vienna Boys Choir, and the train. I don't know why they were on the tracks, I don't have all the details. But all of a sudden, these bird-angels appear. They're like birds, except they have wings. They fly down, and land on the bus. They pick the bus up off the tracks. The entire Vienna Boys Choir is screaming. It sounded amazing. Anyway, the train goes right under the bus, but the train was going too fast, so it turned over. It turns out it was carrying toy trains, toy train stuff, you know, those tiny little bushes, little tiny trees. So there's this overturned train with all this little toy train stuff all over. So the bird-angels put the Vienna Boys choir back down, and they see the train. They thought the train had babies. You know, they're Catholic, they don't know anything about that kind of stuff.
We ended up driving cross country. We switched the driving, every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to the whole trip. I can't quite remember what it was.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. I was just trying to give him a ticket.
I saw the Indy 500 a while ago. You know, if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
If you're in a spaceship, traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights, does anything happen?
I'm sorry, I'm just a little tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. Not only that, but for the last 20 years, I've been on decaffeinated Prozac.
I came home late the other night, and accidentally put my car key in my house lock. It started right up. So, I drove it around for a while. A little later, a cop pulled me over. He said, `Where do you live?' `Right here!' after that, I parked on the freeway and yelled at everyone else to get out of my driveway.
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I have no idea how I got there.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
I had to go to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said 'Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?'
For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. There wasn't any place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
Eventually, a cop stopped me, and said `license and registration, please.' I leaned over and said to my girlfriend `Hey, that's the guy that writes the menus!' `What?' I said, `Don't worry, I'll tell you later.' I leaned over to the cop and said, `Do you know what today's specials are?'
I got an answering machine for my car phone. It says, `I'm home now, but if you leave a message, I'll call you when I'm out.'
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther] and says, `Here, you can go...'
Sometimes I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I went to the hardware store, but I parked in a Towaway Zone. When I got back, the entire area was gone.
Then she said, `If you could know exactly how and when you would die, would you want to?' `Not really,' I said. `Oh, forget it then.' I said, `I think I'll go for a walk.' She asked me, `How long will you be gone?' I thought it was pretty obvious, but I answered her anyway. `For the whole time.' - I was really bored once, so I hooked my brake lights up to my gas pedal. The people behind me got really mad. The light would turn green, and my brake lights would go on. They'd slam on their brakes and I'd be gone.

Court

I've always wanted to be a witness in court. `Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?' `Yeah, sure. You're ugly. And see that woman in the jury? I'd really like to... Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?'
My uncle was a small claims court jester.

Signs

Across the street, I saw a bank that said "24-Hour Banking." I don't have that much time.
Then, I stopped at a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down to a convenience store one day that said `Open 24 Hours.' But then, I saw a guy locking up. I said, `The sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, `Yeah, but not in a row.'
Then I stopped at a restaurant that serves "Breakfast Any Time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I was in a grocery store, and I saw a sign that said "Pet Supplies." So I did. When I went outside, I saw a sign that said "Compact Cars."

Kids

The other day, I dialed a wrong number. I said `Hi, could I speak to Joey?' They said, `Ah... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old.' I said, `I'll hold...'
When I was a child, I had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
When I was a kid, I went to the toy store and said, `Do you have any toy train schedules?'
All the other kids got toy trains. Not me. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Locations and Distances

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I used to have a map of the United States that was actual size. The scale said one mile equals one mile. Last summer I folded it. I also used to have a globe that was actual size.
I grew up in London. My family moved around a lot, cause my father thought he was in the military. Then we moved to Massachusetts, I think it was. I went to high school in Massachusetts, and had a summer job in Toronto. You know, I went to school in Massachusetts, but I worked in Toronto, it's all very confusing. I worked in this planetarium, with 8 other people. We had our own softball team. We played against the teams of the other planetariums in the area, and when we didn't have games, we'd practice inside the planetarium. I played second base, so I stood right under Saturn. Third base was right under Jupiter, and shortstop was under Mars. We tried this setup outside, but everyone was just too far away. A guy tried to steal third, and almost got hit my a truck. I had to
stand in the middle of Utah waiting for the ball.
Cross country skiing's great. If you live in a small country.
Every now and then, I go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite photograph.

Apartments

My roommate had a pet elephant, but it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I got up one morning, and I couldn't find my socks. So I called Information. The lady said, `They're behind the couch.' And they were.
In my house, I have a microwave fireplace. I can have a relaxing evening in front of the fire in just 8 minutes.
All the people in my apartment building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. `Give me all the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'
One day, I came back to my apartment, and realized someone had rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said `Do I know you?' A few months after that I installed a skylight. The guy above me was furious.
I used to have a copy of some album that was two records long, but I couldn't find the second record. I had a parrot, so I asked him where it was. He didn't say anything. So this went on for some time, till one day, I heard him whistling one of the songs from the second record. But when I asked him where it was, he didn't say anything. So, I devised a plan. I would leave the apartment, and go to the roof of the building across the street. I'd watch my apartment through my telescope, to see what the parrot did when I wasn't there. So there I am, on the roof of the apartment building across the street, watching through my apartment's window. Except I couldn't find my telescope, so I'm using the scope of my deer rifle. I see the parrot open the latch to his cage, get out, and go over to the stereo. He looks to his left, looks to his right, then flies over and closes the shade. I should've shot him. Except then, I saw two cops on the street below. Well, I don't know if they were cops, cause it was Halloween, so it might have just been two people dressed up like cops, which is really what cops are, anyway.
But I have to get down, so I go into the alley. I find one of those refrigerator boxes, and I put my rifle in that. So here I am, carrying this refrigerator box across the street with my deer rifle in it, so I don't draw any attention to myself.
On my ceilings, I have paintings of the rooms above me so I never have to go upstairs.

Self-Referencing

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body—a tattoo of myself., Only taller.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Then I asked a man in the shop if they had anything to put under the coasters.
When they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I took a lie detector test. No, I didn't.

Double-Negatives

I invented the cordless extension cord.
For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Overlays

Our school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
I had a friend who was a billionaire. He got all that money cause he's the guy that designed those little diagrams that show you which way the batteries go in.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

Other

If you can't hear me sometimes, it's probably because I'm in parentheses...
I was in the supermarket the other day and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "Woman."
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants. I use a megaphone.
I'm in Champaign. I listen to the great music on Rock 107 and when out of town they mail it to me.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head. I hope it's not hereditary.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
A wino asked me for change. I gave him my shirt.
Ever try to Scotch-guard a sponge?
My mom called me last night. I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back. There, it passed.
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time. I spilt coffee all over.
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
After that, I went to the lost-and-found, and said, `I don't get it.' The guy started crying.
When I was leaving, I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
We stopped at a pizza place that only sells slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing triangles in the air.
I remember when I was a fetus, and I used to sneak out at night when my mother was asleep. I thought, `Now's the time I should steal stuff, cause I don't have any fingerprints.
I was Caesarian-born. You can't really tell, except sometimes when I leave my house, I go out through the window.
When I was five, I was talking to my grandpa. He said, `When I was your age, I was six.' Then he spent the rest of the day cackling and throwing spoons against the window.
A few months later I was at my grandpa's funeral with my grandma. I saw him in his casket and I thought of my flashlight. I said to my grandma, `Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just in the wrong way.'
My grandpa used to make me stand in the closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
In the hardware store, I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it just because of that song? You know, the guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
If you melt dry ice, can you take a bath without getting wet?
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I remember when I was in third grade. I raised my hand and said, `I don't get it.' The teacher said `What?' `Oh, just in general... For example, you said there are four seasons in a year. But in January, it's winter, then there's spring, summer, fall, and then in December, it's winter again. So there are five seasons, and two of them are winter. And yes and no mean the same thing. "Yes, it is not raining out." "No, it is not raining out." And what does definition mean? What's another word for thesaurus?' She said `I'd like to see you after class.' I said, `I have a problem with that. I can't travel into the future...' She started crying.
This morning, I almost broke both my arms trying to fold my bed into the couch. Problem was, it wasn't that kind of bed.
I'm addicted to the lint screen in my dryer. It's really weird. I never noticed all that lint on my clothes. So I take it out, rip a few chunks off, and stuff them in my jeans pockets. I'm recycling.
Some day, I'm going to stuff a bunch of that lint in my bellybutton before I go to the doctor. `Could you take off your shirt? What the hell is that?' `I don't know, that's why I came to see you.
I wear eyeglasses during the day. The other day, I was walking down the street, when my prescription ran out.
I saw a subliminal advertising agent, but just for a second.
I got into an elevator at work, and this man followed in after me. I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said, `Where are you going?' He said, `Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, `You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, `You get it.' I picked it up, and it was the student loan director from my bank. He said, `It seems you missed your last 62 payments and we've received none of the $17,000 we loaned you.' I said, `OK, I'm not gonna lie to you. I gave it to my friend Jiggs Casey and he used it to build a nuclear weapon. And I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't called me anymore.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know how it sounds. Every once in a while, I'll hear a song on the radio and think, `I might have written that.'
I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a man with wooden legs and real feet.
OK, so our planetarium is playing against a planetarium in Nova Scotia. It's the bottom of the 27th, the score is tied at 1. All of a sudden, a little two-seater plane crashed onto the field. I had a prescription for acid at the time, so I thought it was the ball, and I tried to catch it. It was really weird. It looked like there were people sitting on the ball.
In my house, there's this one light switch that doesn't do anything. Every now and then, I flick it on and off. One night I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, `Cut it out.'
The human body is 98% water. So that means we're always that close to drowning. [Takes a drink of water.] I'm living on the edge.
I have a friend who is a procrastinator. He didn't get a birthmark till he was eight.
I have another friend whose mom is a midget, and whose dad is a dwarf. He's neither, though. He's a midget-dwarf. He's the guy that poses for trophies.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I lost a buttonhole. Where can I get a buttonhole?
I went to Vegas a while ago, and got into a heated argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I saw a friend of mine today. He said, `Stephen, why haven't you called me lately?' I said, `I can't call everyone I want to. My phone has no five on it.' He said, `How long have you had it?' I said, `I don't know. My calendar has no sevens.'
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing, so I put my phone in my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go <<<>>><<<>>>. I down to the pet store. I need another ten guppies; I got a lot of calls yesterday.
For Christmas I got my brother some gift-wrap. I took it to the gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop.
I was doing a little work in my house. I put brick wallpaper over a real brick wall. People come over, and I'll say, `Go ahead, touch it. It feels real.'
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use my camera flash to see my way around. I made a sandwich, and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I tried to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all the records. When I gave them back to my friend, he said, `Hey, all these records are blank!'
I had to get a new shadow. My old one wasn't doing what I was doing.
One day, I tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I accidentally did a triple back flip with two twists, stuck the landing. Two kittens saw what happened, and one said to the other, `See, that's how it's done.'
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.
It doesn't matter how hot or cold a room is it's always room temperature.
I used to have a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Some people think my friend George is weird, cause he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he's weird cause he has false teeth... with braces. George is a radio announcer, so when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him...
I stopped at a self-service gas station. I saw a sign that said `help wanted.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss, gave myself a raise, and paid myself. Then I quit.
I owed George $25. I owed it to him for about three weeks. The whole time I had the money on me, he just didn't know it. We were walking through New York City at 2:30 one morning, and got held up. The guy said, `Give me all your money.' I said, `Wait a minute. George, here's the $25 I owe you.' Then the thief took $1000 of his own, and gave it to George. At gunpoint, he made me borrow $1000 from George.
I was in a submarine once. Instead of a periscope, we had a kaleidoscope. `We're surrounded!'
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. They scored a touchdown. Then they showed the instant replay. He thought it was another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was more exciting.
I went to Canada a while ago. As I was crossing the border, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said, `What do you need?'
You know, it's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died, they'd just stay up there. Hunters would get really confused.
I once knew a guy who was really good at limbo. He could go under a rug.
I got contacts, but I only need them for reading. So I got flip-ups.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Everywhere is within walking distance. If you have the time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then I could put the kid in the stroller, and look around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother who didn't obey.
Back in 1966, I was in Little League. I was on first, and I stole third. I had just learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I told this to the umpire, and said `Second base was out of my way!' He started crying.
When I waas five, I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby, and all the horses stampeded. There I was, running down the street on a purple horse.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you'd rub balloons on your head. To cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. I plugged the phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone and they went `Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.'
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of Earth taken from space. On the back it said Wish You Were Here.
[Looks at microphone cord, which is all tangled.] Wow. My words have to go through all that, just so they can get up there, so all of you can hear them. They must be awfully dizzy by the time you hear them. "Goodbye, words! Don't forget to stay in the same sentence!"
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if anyone has any boxes.
I saw a small bottle of cologne, and I asked if it was for sale. She said, `It's free with purchase.' So I asked if anyone had bought anything today.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
There was a power outage at a department store one day. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I woke up and she said, `So, how are you?' I said, `You know how it is when you're leaning back on a chair, and almost fall backwards, but then you catch yourself? That's how I am all the time."
I used to have an ant farm, but I had to get rid of it. I couldn't find tractors small enough.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I try to mimic my shadow.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... no, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... no, I don't.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I like to skate on the wrong side of the ice.
I enjoy reminiscing with strangers.
Women... can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.
I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen.
I was filling out an application that read "In Case of Emergency Notify:" So I put `Doctor.' What's my mother gonna do?
I went camping and accidentally brought a circus tent. People complained cause they couldn't see the lake.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Once I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I broke a mirror in my house, so I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
When I was younger, I could see the future. I didn't realize I could see the future then, but I realize it now, with hindsight...